dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
