apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
