Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
