I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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