someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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