I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
