dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
