i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
