Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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