Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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