I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.