It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize