Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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