I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
