benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
