I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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