Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
