On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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