The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
