he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
