Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
