Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
