we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
