So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
