You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
