I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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