I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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