I can't breathe out the right side of my face
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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