Banned from zoo.
Again?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
