Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
if only i could text you this smell
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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