Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
