my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
