i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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