I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
