McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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