your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
