If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
