im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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