Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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