just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
