Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
