She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
