i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
