Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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