EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
