My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
