i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
