i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
