Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
