you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
