I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
