In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
