I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
