You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
