He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
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I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
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I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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