I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
