i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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