ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
